What Makes Men irresistible?

Since I betrayed my brethren by listing all of the things that make women irresistible to men, I’m going to go another step and reveal what makes men irresistible to women.

All women lament the extinction of “nice guys”.  First of all, men should take note.  If you want to be like the douchebags on YouTube, the pickup artists, the guys with a “system” where “negging” and harassing a woman into going home with you is your bag, this isn’t the place for you.  Spread your herpes someplace else.  Maybe there’s a two-fer-one sale on Axe Body Spray somplace.

If you want to prove women wrong about nice guys, here’s the first step: Be a nice guy.  Remember Patrick Swayze in Road House?  Be nice.  Remember Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice? If you don’t know who this is, do your homework.  Your girl sure as hell knows who he is.

How about Han Solo?  Yes, same character. Mr. Darcy in Space with a little Heathcliffe thrown in for good measure.  Be Han.

Here’s the list for how exactly to make yourself irresistible to women.

  • You don’t meet nice girls in bars or dating sites
  • Don’t use pickup lines
  • Use only obviously shitty pickup lines.  This will establish your sense of humor.
  • Be funny.  Women can gauge many things from a man’s sense of humor.  How quick, witty, intelligent, articulate, mindful, empathetic, socially aware/naughty you are to name a few.  You don’t need to go waving your MENSA card in front of her face, and you don’t need to feel inferior if she happens to be smarter than you.  Humor is a good meet-in-the-middle moment.
  • Smile.  It puts people at ease.  Unless you have a creepy smile.  Then stop doing that.
  • If you can’t be funny, have a washboard stomach.  If you have a washboard stomach, see yourself out of this list.  You’ll be fine.
  • Be honest.
  • Don’t brag. And don’t get cocky! (Thanks Han Solo-Darcy for your wisdom).
  • Listen to her.  She is another human being, and deserves your attention and respect.
  • Don’t be crude.  Or racist.  Or use the C-word. Jeez, what the hell is wrong with you?
  • Don’t stare at her breasts.
  • Don’t quote Reservoir Dogs.  Not even if “Stuck in the Middle with You” comes on. In fact, you’ve never heard of Reservoir Dogs. Mention how you are thinking of getting a rescue animal from a shelter. Is that the same thing?
  • Be polite.  Don’t make any sexual advances on her. You just met this girl.  She’s a nice girl! What if this were your sister?  Okay, maybe your sister is a slut, but so what if she is?  Are you going to shame her?  Honestly, she does more harm to herself with all those one night stands and wonders why she is still alone. Still, you wouldn’t want someone doing that to your sister!  Don’t be that guy!
  • Dance with her.  Even if you suck.  She will appreciate the effort.
  • Ask her for her number/email/facebook. Thank her for a wonderful time.
  • Walk away.
  • Don’t call her.
  • Move out of town.
  • Go to work on a whaling ship for a few years.
  • Grow your beard out
  • Wear cable knit sweaters
  • Write poetry about this girl you danced with and you stupidly left behind.
  • Throw the poems into the sea.
  • Be melancholic.
  • Come back to dry land and adopt a foundling.  If an orphan cannot be secured, go to an animal shelter and rescue a dog.
  • Go to therapy
  • Learn to speak two languages. Fluently. At least one should be Italian.
  • Become a Master Chef
  • Live in Europe with a slightly older woman who teaches you guitar during an ambiguously non-romantic relationship until she tells you to leave, because there was always someone else behind your eyes and love is for the young at heart. Now go! Go to her!
  • Search the world for her, but fall into a depression because she is gone and no one knows what became of her.
  • Watch your orphan graduate from school.  Cry because they talk about you in their Salutatorian speech.  About how much they love you, and how even though you weren’t their birth father, you were the best dad in the world.
  • Bury your dog.  The best friend you ever had.
  • Experience personal growth
  • On the day of your foundling child’s wedding, stand up for them, or give them away.
  • Write a book about your experiences.
  • While walking down a street one day, you recognize someone.  Your eyes meet.  It’s her! She smiles a little and looks away.  You stop and look at her, your heart racing.  You manage to say the only thing that comes to mind as you look into those eyes for the first time in years. Those eyes that haven’t changed at all.
  • “Hey.”
  • She says, “Hey.  How have you been?”
  • “Good.  And you?”
  • “Good.  You know, it’s funny.  I was just thinking about you the other day.”
  • “Me too,” you say. “Well, what I mean is I was thinking about you too.” You laugh.  She smiles.
  • “Oh yeah?”
  • “Yeah.  I was wondering what you were doing these days.  And about how much I miss you.”
  • “I’m on my way to meet a friend right now–“
  • “Well, don’t let me interrupt,” you say. “It was good to see you.”
  • She quickly adds, “Maybe we can catch up sometime?  Over coffee?”

Forget all the advice above.

Just be yourself.  If you aren’t a complete narcissistic dick bag, the right person will come into your life. Set good boundaries.  Don’t heap your baggage onto her, but be open if you can. Fight your own battles, but thank her for her support when she gives it. Be honest.  Make her laugh more than you ever made her cry (it does happen, just make sure those tears are never because of your anger, and never from pettiness). Be all in. Love her.  And just be kind.

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How to be irresistible: for Women

A friend of mine posted an insightful look at dating and relationships and it got me to thinking about a lot of things.

Here goes.

So, today, I was on the YouTubes.  As many YouTubes rabbit hole days go, I started off by watching a clip a friend on FaceBook posted.  Which lead to other clips.  Long story short, I came across a clip about Craig Ferguson and a few with Norm MacDonald.  These guys are like woman-candy.  I’ll say this right now: it’s because they are funny.

The list

I thought the list Michelle had found of body language for women was hilarious. In all fairness, a woman with a headcold putting on a scrunchie out to be the sexiest thing around!

  • Flipping our hair
  • Sneezing
  • Biting our lips
  • Moving our hips
  • Touching them gently
  • Wearing a ponytail

What does this mean?!

I think the list scratches the surface on a few things.  I’ve seen shows and read about all of these tells before.  Some are indicative of physical health or trying to get someone to notice things (flipping your hair draws attention to the health of a woman’s hair, biting her lips gets a man to notice her lips, wearing a pony tail gets a man to notice the nape of her neck) which are health compatibility/sexual tells.  Gently touching someone breaks through that personal space barrier.  It’s a bold move, innocent in a conversation, yet extremely effective when breaking through communication boundaries, or instigating more touching.

The sneezing thing, as funny as it is, does a few things.  It gets immediate attention (especially if a woman has a “cute” or unusual sneeze), it might start a conversation (especially if the man says “bless you” or “gesundheit” which indicates compassion), and it might trigger a nurturing response in some men who see that kind of vulnerability as catnip.   See “white knight syndrome.”

In my opinion some of these tells are not all that appealing.  The lip biting, the hip moving, even the unsolicited touching.  In some ways they are pretty aggressive and a little predatory.  This works for some women.  In subtle ways, it is getting past the personal space boundary and creating intimacy.

What else works?

Dancing.  Immediately, you are entering each other’s personal space.  You are breaching typical touching which isn’t normally accepted in social venues other than dancing.  You are moving together, which emulates mirroring.

I know men who refuse to dance and they are truly missing out on…life, pretty much.

Mirroring is a real thing.  It’s a subconscious tell when you find yourself talking to someone and matching their body posturing.  Dancing is a cheap knockoff to this, but it works.  I’m not talking about bumping and grinding to “Get Low” at the club. I’m talking about real dancing.

You have to match each other’s moves to dance together.  Instant mirroring and synchronization.  You also break that personal space boundary.  In slower dancing, the man’s hand at the woman’s lower back, or even just below her shoulder blades.  Fingers and palms, touching on the other side. You are already holding hands.

You might even lean in and talk to each other.  Your breath in each other’s ears.  Extremely intimate.  The nervousness while dancing usually translates to smiling.  Most women love to be spun too while dancing. There is an element of control and danger all at once.  And most of all trust.  Don’t drop your partner during a dip either.  They won’t return your phone calls.

If you want to be irresistible, smiling is a good way to go.  A genuine smile too, not a beauty queen grin.  Laughter at tripping or missing steps is also good. But don’t laugh and giggle at everything.  Crazy people do that.

List for what makes women irresistible:

  • Be confident but not cocky
  • Smile and laugh, but only at things that are actually funny
  • Be comfortable in your own skin.
  • Be kind
  • Be attentive (this is an ego thing.  All men want to be interesting) but not overly aggressive.  Men do not want a girl who worships everything they do. Who really does?
  • Be honest
  • Be open (“mysterious” only gets you laid).
  • Don’t be crazy
  • Do not be afraid to show your intelligence.  It is a myth that men are intimidated by this.
  • Have opinions! Share your thoughts on things!
  • Don’t put other women down to bring yourself up
  • Be able to tell at least one dirty joke (but don’t go full-innuendo, or else you’ll just have a buddy who wants to watch Fletch with you)
  • Know at least one line from a “guy” movie (Full Metal Jacket, The Big Lebowski, etc.)
  • Stay off your @#$%^ phone.
  • Show up
  • Have fun

He doesn’t care about your makeup, your perfume, your shoes, your hair, who you used to date, how awful all men are, how much money you make, how much money your ex makes, or you telling him how great you are in bed. Save that conversation for your girlfriends over wine and Meg Ryan movies.

Just be yourself.

Next is my list for what makes men irresistible.

 

 

Throw some pills at it

I had a weird conversation with my dad a little while ago.  We were discussing my depression.  Yes, I struggle with it.  But I choose to not see it as a mental illness.  It has been more of a symptom of some highly stressful and extremely depressing situations.  There’s a difference.  It’s the reflective pain of something that has hurt me.  If you hit your thumb with a hammer, that pain it telling you that you have just been through some trauma.

It’s not the trauma itself.  The pain is just an indication there might be broken blood vessels, bone damage, a split nail, etc. When the pain goes away, that is an indication of healing.

Now, if I had a condition where I didn’t hit my thumb with a hammer and it just started hurting for no reason, I think that is more like what mental illness would look like.

I have been to therapy (yes, I have been asked this before).  There were some rough spots over the last several years.  I asked my therapist if I needed to be on any medication.  She basically told me I have situational depression.  It isn’t chemical.  She could prescribe pills, but really, it wouldn’t do much for me.  I had no chemical imbalance to set off my depression.  Things were just really, really shitty for me at times.

For me, taking pills would just be like loading yourself up on painkillers before building a house, that way you never had to feel when you smacked your thumb with a hammer.

The conversation with my dad went this direction, and I can’t begrudge him.  He watches me struggle sometimes, but he basically said I should get some medication for being bi-polar.  As a parent, I get it. You just want your kids to be safe. Happy.

I’m not bi-polar.

Sometimes things just suck, and sometimes I get to feel genuinely happy.  I might be closer to PTSD, since even the moments that don’t suck come with an awareness that this moment of joy is merely temporary.  And time and time again, this notion is proven.

But that is life.  Nothing lasts forever.  And for me, I wouldn’t want to walk around “happy” all the time.  Where would the contrast come from?  Where would you get the appreciation that this moment is truly wonderful when compared with others?  I think taking a pill to remove that would just about kill me.

Everything would be just flat.  No surprises.  It’s a big reason I hate being drunk.  Any joke I hear, any story I am told, is unremarkable.  It’s just numb.  The memories literally get pissed down the drain.

Why bother?

If I’m ever on the rollercoaster, it’s not in my head.  It’s struggling to deal with the ups and downs of life.  And truth be told, I usually handle those challenges like a boss.  I have some friends and family who don’t handle things so well.  Anything from being cut off in traffic to how their food is prepared when they go out to eat.

I am generally chill about that.

This morning, my son woke up and he was in tears.  I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn’t want to go to summer camp.  He wanted to stay home and spend the day with me.  Man, that pulled at my heart strings, but I have to work, and he needs to be around kids instead of hanging out at home all day.

It still hit me right in my feels though.  Should there be a pill for that?  After all, I had a change in emotion.  If there is, I wouldn’t take it.  Not every morning is one where we wake up and smile at the sunshine and sing in the shower.  Some days are just blah.  Some days are magnificent.

That is just life.

Today, my son woke up with a blah.  I woke up wishing I could have slept another hour.  I hadn’t decided on the day just yet.  It’s nearly 4pm as I write this.  I’m still undecided.  Does that sound like I need to be medicated?  Or maybe just that I am apathetic to my day (other than my kid)?

My job sucks.  My blog is largely ignored and I don’t see how I could ever transition it into a career.  I miss my kids.  I work hard to break even.  But I am grateful to God for every day I get to be here in this amazing world.   Other than being bored and broke sometimes lonely, etc.  I think this life is a gift.  It always has been.  I love every minute of my life.  Even when it gets tough.  I think at those moments, I see what is happening as someone messing up a really great thing we should all get to enjoy.  The majority of my stress is external.  Usually because of assholes–of the not me variety.

For that I am grateful.

Hearing birds sing or seeing a sunset or talking with a friend are all things that give me joy.  Getting a hug from my son.  Hearing about his plans to spend his toothfairy money.  All of these things are a joy.  Even the 43rd hour of a week when he tells me all about Spiderman or Captain America, as though he is telling me about something I know nothing about.  That is a joy too.

Now, if they had a pill that would let you vividly relieve the happiest moments of your life for an hour or two…or maybe just one that lets people appreciate the good times while they are happening. Write me a scrip for that!

In the meantime, I plan on not hitting my thumb with a hammer if I can help it.

The takeaway from this is try not to be an asshole to yourself.  There is a long line of people out there happy to be one to you.  They don’t need your help.