Knowing what you want

To finish that sentence, knowing what you want can be a lonely experience.

Lately I’ve been working much more towards how I want to build my life, in particular how I make money. Much of that learning curve is at a near vertical pitch. I research marketing, media, and content creation until my brain is cooked and all I want to do is nap. For the travel writing piece, a big requirement lately has been knowledge in platforms such as TikTok and YouTube. So I’m watching lots of videos to figure out how to do this, how I want to tackle this kind of thing and flounder as little as I can on it.

I’m still trying to scrounge up paid work when I can, but the agency I’ve been writing for over the last several years has been turning up next to nothing. I’m getting a little panicked on how I’m supposed to make money. The economy is in the shitter and my main debtors don’t really seem to acknowledge that. After all, the courts never experience an economic downturn. They just put more people in prison and hire more judges to compensate. It’s a growth industry.

I’m struggling and I know it.

So, lately I’ve cut out a lot of distractions however much I can. I’m not a lot of fun these days, as much as I crave distraction.

I’m not looking to date anyone. Hell, I couldn’t afford a social life right now if I tried. My resources are drained and I feel sooooo close to making everything come together. I’m at the point where I don’t really need a relationship either. I have a couple close friends. That helps.

I don’t want to date. I don’t want a FWB situationship either. Sometimes that makes me feel a little cold and heartless. As the song says, “don’t think I don’t get asked to dinner…” The thing is that I wouldn’t be able to dedicate any of my time to dating someone, much less have the funds to go anywhere or do anything with them. I don’t miss it so much. I miss individuals who used to be in my life. I don’t miss the role they played when they were there.

What I do need is goals. Though I can’t come anywhere near affording it, I was looking at motorcycles today. It helps to daydream a little bit when you are procrastinating writing content for bloodsucking lawyers. Sure, it pays, but it isn’t what I want to write anymore. My quality is reflecting that. So I looked at Triumph bobbers and dreamed of taking the turns on winding mountain roads on a summer morning.

I still think of places to travel, but the slump in work has curtailed that for the immediate future.

I’ve been writing down all sorts of pitch and query ideas, but sometimes it’s hard to balance the other work I need to do with that. I’m trying. That’s all I can do.

I’ve thought about giving it all up and applying for other jobs, but there is nothing nearby and job hunting is literally the same thing as pitching story ideas to magazines, with the exception of IF (that’s the big if) a company ever replied to an application, I would be giving up my autonomy. I love working for myself, though right now the pay sucks. Like I said, I feel so close to things coming together. Looking for an hourly job could take months to yield anything. It’s the same as pitching articles. At least they respond some of the time.

I’ve had a couple nibbles, so I am not entirely discouraged. But I’m nearly out of money. Last week I had four assignments for a couple new potential clients. One assignment was pulled as I was outlining it. The other three were rejected. That was a 5000 word day, whoosh. Evaporated. No money to show for it, and I can’t even recycle the content. It knocked the legs right out from under me. I even had to fight for those jobs. I’m not the only one writing for that agency having problems like those.

I just have to keep working at it, doing all I can, and hopefully something will give. I’m just about sick of this winter bullshit too, I might add. Only two more months of it to go.


2 thoughts on “Knowing what you want

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s