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Month: April 2023
Maybe I’m not. Maybe I am.
I wonder about that last one.
We seemed to be the best of friends.
And then became more. Maybe less.
I thought about why it hurt so much.
Maybe I thought you were all I deserved.
Maybe I thought you had changed for me.
But when someone tells you exactly what they are
you had better believe them.
Maybe I thought that was the last chance I would have.
That she was my reward for trying to live a good life. Uh uh.
There’s no payoff. It doesn’t matter.
Take delight in it while we have it.
Finding Closure
I’m not convinced closure really exists. I think of all the things that used to piss me off or make me sad, moments that have made me think that not only is the world unfair but it is some cruel exercise in sadism constructed by a malevolent being. I’ve had low points, a few of which have been in recent weeks. Those are mostly about money. April is a tough month for me because it represents the anniversary of so many moments that have rattled me to my core.
The crazy thing is I don’t think I’ve found closure with a lot of them, but rather I’ve stopped letting them bother me. If something or someone isn’t meant to be in my life, I’m no longer about the business of forcing things. I try to be more like water now, finding its own path. Sometimes that is the path of least resistance, and other times that is just pushing ahead until you wear those boulders down into sand. I have a better idea know of what I can control in my life, and what I cannot. I’m working hard on no longer being a slave to my anxiety or what “should” be. Work on my writing right now is difficult, but I am trying every day. I have been trying to build my client list, pitching articles, and looking for contract positions. The other day, I thought I should probably just give up entirely.
That’s the problem with burning your boats. There really isn’t anything to go into. If I apply for a regular job, there’s an equal chance I’ll never hear a response from an employer anyway. If I continue to pitch stories and write and build my clips up, honestly I have just as much of a chance of success with that as I do getting a job I already know I will hate.
Today I wrote five new posts. I edited two (and sold them). I’m lucky that there has been a little bit more work to pick up. The unpredictability of on-spec writing is aggravating at times. Unpredictable, and downright terrifying. I have bills I would rather not think about that still need to be paid. Financial obligations. I dropped to zero in my overdraft account this week. It’s the lowest point I’ve hit so far financially, but I was able to pay my taxes. I was able to pick up assignments. I’m starting to hear back from publications and queries for clients. They’ve all been “no thanks” so far, but I’m hearing back. I just have to keep pushing forward.
Right now I feel so close to actually making this happen. No, I don’t want to jinx that, but I also believe that as long as I continue to do the work, my odds are good something will break. If I quit, then I have jinxed it.
Right now I’m willing to let go of the things that have been haunting me over the years. My loneliness, my need for validation, my imposter syndrome. If finding peace is the same as finding closure, then maybe I’m finally letting it happen. It feels good to let go of so many things in the past that have hurt and focus more on what comes next. Looking at opportunities instead of how things ought to be. I only made the mistake of buying into how life was supposed to look all those years ago. Right now, I barely have any money. At all. But tonight I am not feeling that hot breath of the wild animals chomping after my heels. I can breathe. I can show up and do the work. And keep doing it.
I wrote my last piece for the day at midnight. Maybe it was my first piece of the day for tomorrow. I don’t know. All I do know is I was up, so I made a coffee and I sat down to write because the assignment was available. It will suck if they buy someone else’s, but it felt right to put words down while I was caffeinated and motivated enough to do the work. Fall down six times, get up seven. The temptation is so great to distract myself with drinking or eating junk food or curling into a fetal position and moaning about my regrets. A pro of not having any money is I cannot afford distractions right now. I’ll use that to my advantage.
Anyway, April used to be the cruelest month. Now, it’s just becoming a month again. I’m letting that all go, and I’m allowing myself to be fine with it.
Wendigo Mountain 