That grinding sensation is your values telling you something

This blog isn’t for everyone. This blog has been my way to voice what is going on in my life as well as my own progress in mental health, dealing with stress, and sometimes just taking one deep breath after the next. I’m not for everyone. It has take me a long time to realize that, and I am finding peace in all of that too.

It’s funny how others perceive us. I had one friend tell me that they don’t read this blog because they aren’t into the “feels” so much. They told me that I should make a cooking blog. The funny thing was that I indulged this request and I put a food post/recipe on my other site, Like six people even looked at it.

Obviously not my niche.

I would say that isn’t the point of writing here. It’s my own personal thoughts and reflections and not about how many people read or “like” the content. Unfortunately for the other blog, that is the point. Getting eyes on the page. Finding what works so I can make some passive income. People don’t read blogs like they used to. Facebook took care of that. Social media is so much of giving people content that they want. I’ve watched TikTok people who post content–some with very good production values–just to keep chasing those likes. I think people get burned out by it.

Chasing those likes really doesn’t mesh well with my values. I’ve usually been the kind of person who does their own thing, and if people want to come along for the ride then they are welcome. But my job is not to amuse you. I did plenty of that in school as a class clown. I write for myself too, not for you, but maybe there are enough of us out there who have been looking for what I am writing about to really enjoy it.

I go to therapy for the same reason people wear glasses. Not because I can’t see, but because I want to see better. Lately, the idea of values has been coming up. How much of my happiness and insecurities in life stems from having to do things that don’t align with my values. Also, I live under this weird notion that if I don’t compromise my values, my life becomes so niche that I will just find myself being alone all the time.

Honestly, when you compromise your values, you still feel alone. And you get that icky sensation in your gut that says you really aren’t enjoying yourself anyway. Many of my values align with a sense of Peace I have come to appreciate in my life. I’m not a big partier. I don’t enjoy hanging out at the bar anymore (I’m not 22). I like my nerdy movies and collections, I like to wear interesting hats, cook foods not many people would like. I like to read. Play with my dog. Enjoy a straight Irish whiskey on quiet nights. I like helping people. I like a good story. I’m not as into hiking as I once was. Now that it’s winter there’s really noplace to hike. From the outside, my life might seem kinda boring.

Whenever people ask what I’m up to, my answer is often the same: writing. If I’m not writing, I am usually on a road trip. Lately I’ve been playing video games, which seems to help me decompress my brain after writing a lot. I guess it means I’m bad at parties.

One of the hardest parts about listening to your gut when it comes to your values is how isolated you might feel. Sometimes when I hang out with friends, I just don’t want to do some of those things anymore. It’s not that I’m bored, it’s just that centering a social gathering around ingesting fermented liquids isn’t my bag. I can drink at home for cheaper if I want. Being drunk does not make anyone’s conversation any more interesting.

Am I boring? Maybe. Am I stuffy or uptight? That’s a matter of perspective. I love dancing. I love to laugh until my sides hurt. I enjoy excellent conversations and sometimes being obnoxious. I like nerding out about movies and books. So why the hell is it that it is so difficult to find people with similar interests? Much less values. Because what I value is peace. Calm. Lack of drama. But most people seem to be addicted to it. I don’t need trauma because what I write about is bad enough.

Lately I’ve had to stop watching Tiktok because there is nothing but drama on that App. I don’t talk with a lot of people anymore because I don’t want to be dragged into their shitty lives. I watch a lot of people in pain, broken people, cutting each other on their sharp edges.

I’ve been looking at this Ukraine thing in a different way too. I’ve noticed that my friends who are actual combat veterans all look at this thing like a snake in the road that is better to be walked wide of. They know what the horrors of war mean. They aren’t repentant veterans but realists. Or maybe Pessimists. They’ve had their share of war and know it is not a good thing to be involved with. The people out there who are all gung-ho and aching for a fight have a screw loose. Those are the people we should be worried about.

In the last 22 years, I have been fighting my own war, and as Chief Joseph once said, “I am tired. My heart is sick and sad. I will fight no more forever.” Anyone who has been in the place I have, knows that you will value your peace whenever you can. Even if it means you aren’t that exciting anymore. Twenty-two years. Let that sink in.

What price are you willing to pay for Peace?