Too much coffee

It’s just after midnight and I had too much coffee a couple hours ago when I was writing. So, I’m here. It occurred to me recently that more people read my blog whom I don’t want to read it than people I actually want to see it. So, I haven’t been posting as much here.

I’m not sure what the future of this site will look like but I tend to use whatever I write here as a guage to see how things have been going in recent years. Tonight, my dog is mad at me that I’m still up. She just skulked off to bed, letting out a deep sigh before extracting herself from the chair and heading off.

Three years ago, I was working through some things with a relationship that had finally ended. Thankfully it failed, because it was killing me. In seven years, I have been through four situationships and one actual healthy long term relationship. The thing about that is even though that healthy relationship ended, I still think of that person fondly and look back at the time we shared with a smile on my face. I don’t really want her back, but the months we shared were fulfilling and I learned a lot about myself, about happiness, and how good things could be when people have healthy boundaries, say what they mean, and put in effort.

The four situationships taught me to be more guarded. That my values will differ from the values of others and it is okay to have boundaries with yourself and others. That I don’t need to put up with someone’s bullshit if it isn’t filling my buckets, and I’m not in any serious rush. I don’t need to settle. I’ve settled enough in life.

It’s okay to fish or cut bait.

Though there are times I miss companionship, or just talking with someone at any hour of the night, or long deep conversations. I don’t miss wondering where I stand with someone, or worse still being afraid to ask. And worse than that, being taken for granted. I don’t know why it seems to be so much to ask for to want connection with someone else, but until I find someone who actually puts in effort and wants mutual respect, I’m fine being alone. I get the feeling sometimes that it will be very hard to match my values with someone else, because I am old fashioned and those standards are not respected or taken seriously anymore. Situationships seem to be the norm, and you can count me out if that’s the case. I have had enough of that bullshit.

I’m sick of learning someone’s favorite color or middle name or things about their grandparents, only for it to just be superfluous information that I will never use again. I’m just exhausted from watering dead plants, so I’m not going to do it anymore.

Today I drove to Steamboat for some groceries. It was nice to get out of the house for a few hours. Penny is a good co-pilot. I had an actual decent slice of deep dish pizza for lunch and a coffee I didn’t make myself. Part of the reason for my drive was Penny ate the bathtub plug…again, and I had to buy one out of town.

When I drive, my mind wanders and I often think of the future. The five year plan that I have been working on. Sometimes it feels scary, downright impossible. I’m 46. How many more five year plans have I got left in me? It’s hard to say. Right now I’m on a mission to seek fulfillment, and I think I’m getting close to figuring out how to do that.

Covid really knocked me down for the last few weeks and between the dry cough and fuzzy head, writing has been difficult. I’m well past contagion, but still recovering.

Two years ago, I was happy and planning a romantic weekend in Glenwood with my gf at the time for her birthday. Last year, I was planning a trip to Oregon with family. I was in the talking phase with someone. I was renovating the house one room at a time. This year, I seem to be a little…adrift. But I am writing. I am working. I am finding peace in my solitude. Renovations will resume when it stops snowing.

A part of me is ready for another adventure, but I need to work and make some money before that can happen. This is a time in my life when I should be building a future and no longer chasing or surviving. It’s time to thrive.