Drawing a Blank

I honestly have no idea what to write today. All I know is that I need to write something. It’s one of those days. I try to call up the Muse and all I get is static. Or that boing screeeeeee boing grrrrr sound the old modems used to make. I guess it’s a day where my brain is telling me to take some time off. To stop running like a horse in a barn fire. Last night I got off the zoom call with my son, and finished off a day of trying to be productive with six hours of playing Conan: Exiles on XBox. This morning, I woke up after a fretfull night of video game dreams to sore and red eyes. Weird dreams. Not even video game dreams. Just weird dreams. The kind where you are supposed to find something, but you lose track of it and it is gone.

I’ve been having those a lot lately. The other night, it was a dream where I was walking my my dog and her pet bunny, Sunny. I went around a corner, and they were both gone. Of course, I also had no idea where I had parked my car. So maybe they weren’t lost. I was.

But the grass was green and there were butterflies.

I’m going to give myself a mental health day today and I’m going to go see the new Dune movie. I’ve always been a fan of the books and the movies and even the SyFy channel miniseries. Though everyone claims this director is a genius, I have to admit that I did enjoy the asthetics of Blade Runner 2049, it wasn’t Blade Runner. It should have just been a movie on its own without Harrison Ford to muddle things up. It did look really cool.

Maybe I need to recharge my creativity. Though if the movie is good, you always risk comparing your rough draft with a finished story. That’s never good.

I’m coming up on an anniversary. Seven years ago, I had some very hard conversations, arguments, and fights with my ex-wife about ending our marriage. I read some old journal entries I had written about those times. The voice is familiar, but the man is different. In some ways, he is wiser, more comfortable in his own skin, but in other ways, he is no less confused. At times he feels isolated. Forgotten. He keeps wondering when his life is going to begin.

I had a moment of frustration seven years ago when I said I felt pulled in two different directions. I wanted a divorce, that much was certain, and my family was encouraging this. I had believed at the time it was for selfish reasons. Really they just wanted me to be safe. And my ex-wife was pleading for me to stay–as she often did (just before everything went off the rails). I said to myself that I wished I could just leave everyone I knew and move somewhere nobody knew me and just live out my days as the crazy guy who lives at the end of the street

Be careful what you ask for, kids!

I’m not sure how crazy I am, but I do now live alone at the end of the street. Hahaha! I’ve got my dog. I go places and do things, but I’m not very social in town. It’s a small town. There’s more than enough drama to be found if I want a piece of it. I think I’ll pass. I want to live in peace. I want to have adventures. I want to make up for lost time with good memories. You don’t have to do everything in one day either. You can pace yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. Know that sometimes life kicks you in the teeth, but each day, the sun will rise again. We get another chance as long as we make it to that new day.

Maybe today I just don’t have a lot to say. I guess I’m feeling a little quiet. A little lost.

But I do know that things are a lot better today than they were seven years ago. My forever just gets a little bit shorter with every day. So it’s important to enjoy life. Today I’m taking an old friend out to see a movie: Me.

Remember to be kind to yourself.


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